I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
