I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
