Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You're like the curious george of whores
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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