why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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