So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
