you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
