i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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