I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
