Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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