Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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