Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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