I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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