I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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