i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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