Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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