Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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