a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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