this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
