i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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