Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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