with your own penis?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize
