Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
