My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
