distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
