I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
