I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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