I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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