You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
