There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
