I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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