She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
