The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
