I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
