I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
