Don't you send me to vm
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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