Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
