I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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