I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
