Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
