I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
True strength comes from lack of pants
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
