I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
