So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
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i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
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I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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