After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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