Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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