She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She bit a glass in half.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
