last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
