Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
