My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
