Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
