your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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