Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
