when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
