Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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