her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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