you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
