Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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