btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
