I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think I sprained my soul last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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