I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
