corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
