Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
