found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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